That moment when the sister of your admirer contacts you and PM you as possible as she can, talks about his brother and things about you. Argh. Another 'walang kawala' event.

One day you'll love me, the way I loved you. One day you'll think of me the way I thought of you. One day you'll cry for me, the way I cried for you. One day you'll want me, but I won't want you.

He is richer than the wealthiest dead/alive man on the world. He owns the universe. He owns your life and He knows just what you think or do. Lastly, He could even bless; no human being could do that. The lyrics of the song went this way: "Our God is an Awesome God. He reigns from heaven above with wisdom, power and love. Our God is an Awesome God.

Once and for all, our roads will never intertwine. I'm heading north, you're to south. Perhaps we'll meet but will never be together unless we'll agree to go the shortest distance -- to defy the odds, dance the music, sing the song, play the sunset, and give ourselves the chance to know each other and say the words we fail to say a thousand times as if we'll lost it the moment we'll suppress what we ought to express.

Merdz on Facebook

http://www.facebook.com/merdzcanda

Alang sa mga Klasmeyt nga English-aksinted

Sige, kataw-i lang ko ninyo
Samtang akong gishyir

nga peborit pod nako
ang espagiti. Tuod, bitaw, Bisdak ko.

Gahi ko’g ulo (sama sa gibasa nakong mga balak nilang
Adonis Durado, Michael Obenieta ug Vicente Bandillo
bisan pa’g kasabot pod ko sa mga mugna nilang
Charles Simic, Pablo Neruda ug Michael Collier).

Nganu diay’g mahimung “poor’” ang four,
unya “bitch” na ang beach
ug mautang ang death? Atlist, I can stun
on my pit. I can piss all of you with pride in my
hurt. I can spec! Dili sama ninyo,
maamang kon inyong ngalan
tawagon na ni Mam.

*reposted from Kabisdak blogspot page

Ang pagtatagpo ni Dr. Jose Rizal at Inday sa langit

Rizal: Alam mo Inday, ang hindi magmahal sa sariling wika ay mas masahol pa sa malansang isda.

Inday: I appreciate your wonderful wisdom, thank you very much. And I would like you to know that I have already read all your writings. Unfortunately, I was really disappointed because majority of your novels were written in Spanish and Latin. Therefore, you are the ULTIMATE VIOLATOR of your own aphorism.


*Bang! Tagam si Rizal!

LOL.

Finally, a copy of the HUB magazine is already in my hand!

I don't know how to stand up again. For so many times I've fallen, this time, I'm tired to reach out my hand to the extended arm on me. I just don't know my reason at this point why I have to rise from where I've fallen.

Enrich Your Vocabulary

(Just for the sole purpose of making you smile, if not laugh. Reader's Digest puts it this way: "Laughter is the best medicine!")

* Long time no see
-----matagal ng bulag

* Misunderstanding
-----babaeng nakatayo sa ilalim

* Persuading
-----unang kasal

* Predicate
-----pakawalan mo ang pusa

* Selfish
-----nagbibenta ng isda

* Contemplate
-----Kaunti ang plato

* Defeat
-----ang mga paa

* Statue
-----ikaw ba yan?

* Dilemma
-----madilim ah!

* Aspect
-----pantusok ng yelo

* City
-----numero bago mag-otso

* The value
-----susunod sa Letrang V


~LOL. So, what have you learned?



Merdolyn

There is happiness in contentment, not contentment in happiness.

E(a)rnest lines

I am dying, as I have lived, beyond my means. ~Oscar Wilde

"The very essence of romance is uncertainty."

"Girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girl don't think it right."

"The truth is rarely and never simple. Modern life would be very tedious if it were either, and modern literature a complete impossibility."

"The timing is never perfect."

"A man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing."

"Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone."

"Land has ceased to be either a profit or pleasure. It gives one position, and prevents from keeping it up."

"If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make it up for it by being always immensely over-educated."

'Relations are simply tedious pack of people, who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when to die."

"It is awfully hardwork doing nothing."

"Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us."

"All good books are a snare."

"By persistently remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation."

"No married man is ever attractive except to his wife."

"It is always painful to part from people whom one has known for a very brief space of time. The absence of old friends one can endure with equanimity. But even a momentary separation from anyone to whom one has just been introduce is almost unbearable."

"Men are so cowardly, aren't they?"

"Hesitation of any kind is a sign of mental decay in the young, physical weakness in the old."

"What is a selfish person? A selfish person is surely one who seeks to keep his joys and sorrows to himself."

"The heart has its wisdom as well as the head."

Sa Maling Akala

Maling Akala
(Aaron Paul del Rosario)
Sung by: Chino Romero
Alpha Records Music Corporation

Akala ko ay di kita iniibig
Akala ko ay di kita kailangan
Akala ko ay kaya kong umibig sa iba
Hindi pala ako'y nagpadala
Sa maling akala
Akala ko ay kaya ko
Na ikaw ay aking iwanan
Sinabi sa sarili ko
Na madali kitang malimutan
Sinaktanko ang puso mo
Tiniis pati pagluha mo
Bahala na ang maykapal
Sa ating pagmamahalan

Araw gabi ngayon
Ako ay nagdurusa
Lumuluha t'wing maiisip kita
Akala ko ay di kita iniibig
Akala ko ay di kita kailangan
Akala ko ay kaya kong umibig sa iba
Hindi pala ako'y nagpadala
Sa maling akala
Sana'y mapatawad mo
Ang pusong nagkasala sa'yo
Ngayon ay alam ko na
Ikaw ang siyang sinisinta

Araw gabi ngayon
Ako ay nagdurusa
Lumuluha t'wing maiisip kita
Akala ko ay di kita iniibig
Akala ko ay di kita kailangan
Akala ko ay kaya kong umibig sa iba
Hindi pala ako'y nagpadala
Sa maling akala
Akala ko ay di kita iniibig
Akala ko ay di kita kailangan
Akala ko ay kaya kong umibig sa iba
Hindi pala ako'y nagpadala
Sa maling akala
Hindi pala
Ako'y nagpadala sa maling akala

Kumanta ako kahit paos ng 'I Can Wait Forever'. Sabi ng nakarinig sa labas: "Babae ba ang boses na yun pare o bakla na wala sa tono o totoong lalake?" Huhuh. Pangit kayo! Babae po ako!

Facebook and the Extent of its Effects to Personality

The availability of computers makes it possible for anyone an easy access to other people from among the farthest places. Social Networking Sites such as Facebook bridges the gap that hinders them to communicate. As the person grows, long term exposure to these sites would alter their being a person. Thus, personality development could be influenced.

     The development of a person could be affected by several factors such as environment and heredity. Environmental factors can be categorized into physical and social environment. The people that a person would be interacting with will play a big role in molding his personality since it will determine the good and the bad in him (Tumblod, 2010). The greatest motivating factor for students to use technology is to connect to others and to socialize. Their irresistible need to connect with their peers, coupled with the development of 24/7 accessible technologies can make the use of sites like Facebook (Fodeman and Monroe, 2009).
     Many students are posting mean and hurtful things because they can. They are increasingly living their social lives in the world without caring, loving adults watching out for them, without expectations for their behavior, and without boundaries. Fodeman and Monroe (2009) further cited that harassing language is normalized, the sexualization of girls/women is common-places, and the lack of supervision creates unguarded habits.A friend has a new meaning for our students nowadays and the change puts them at risks in distinct ways. “Friending” is a verb and for many of our students, some of their friends are complete strangers (Fodeman and Monroe, 2009). Furthermore, Facebook is not an age appropriate to develop a mentally healthy place for younger students to hangout. It is not working to protect children and the laws are terribly inadequate to safeguard children online.Profiles in Facebook were created under the person’s real identity. This means that anyone who knows a person’s full name can find their Facebook page with relative ease. Different walks of life assumed that almost everyone has an account and has led them to search and find the profile of specific people.
     A person should also take into consideration that not everyone on your list of friends might be who they are, thus, making the persons account susceptible to hackers who would take the appearance of a friend.
     Szalavitz (2011) said that people consistently underestimate how often other people have negative emotions, while estimating how often they have positive ones (Reader’s Digest, 2010). Frozen smiles shouldn’t be taken as the sum of your friend’s life experiences. She concluded that your entire effort at “image management” probably worsen the feelings of isolations and distress in your friends, by adding to their impression that yours and others lives are happier and more successful than theirs.
     Personal contacts make friendship stronger and endure the different problems faced. But research showed that children and teens are increasingly using sites, including Facebook, to avoid difficult face-to-face conversations. Also, children are increasingly turning for making friendships and building relationships online (Fodeman and Monroe, 2009). This avoidance will have increasing ramifications on their communication skills throughout life. Moreover, children can best acquire social communication skills in real life. 

Begging is not a part of my character. My pride is enormously towering. hah!

Ngayon mo sabihin na di ka torpe; na may mga pangarap ka lang na nais makamit kaya di mo magawang sabihin dahil nilamon ka lang sa takot na baka di mo maabot yun kung uunahin mo ang pag-ibig kesa pangarap mo; na nais mo lang i-enjoy ang feeling na kinikilig ka sa mga mumunting salita mula sa kanya. Ewan. Torpe ka pa rin. Bow.

Last Play: Si Thisbe naging BISDAK!

I was dressed in black again to be an evil. Haha.

"What is a selfish person? A selfish person is surely one who seeks to keep his joys and sorrows to himself." ~ Oscar Wilde

Fulfilled. Natapos ko ang script ng contemporary Pyramus and Thisbe Play. Ang tanging karakter na kinuha ko para sa sarili ay si Thanatos. Mamamatay. haha. Ayos din. Mag-me-makeup lang naman ng itim, lipstick na pulang-pula, itim na mini-dress, high heels at syempre, kamalditahan epek. Bongga! Malapit ng maging artista itetch!

I arrived home on Monday night. Found all my diaries and journals spread on my bed with a trace of being read by somebody's eyes. My bet was my mother, no other. That feeling that you wanted to shout fits to her. Huh! Ayun! Before I could do it, she's already miserable. Kasi, nambabasa ng hindi dapat basahin. What she read were all anguish and related things about her. Huh! Natauhan siguro siya dahil di ako pinansin kinaumagahan.

Oh yes, I'm a great pretender...

Miss Purple got a good grade

When I came to school by Monday late afternoon, I went to the Engineering office to get my grades there. Silently, I stepped inside the cold "aquarium" and seek for that box containing the grades of our section.

Gladly, I passed. Not the ordinary passing grade. As far as I have known, Stylistics being next to Linguistics in difficulty, to get a B in the subject is the usual show. However, if you'll get more than of it, you are exceptionally sipsip or the other, the simply studious and genius.

I don't care, though, that I only got the second highest. It's enough news to me that I got the second. Much as enough as knowing that the one who got the highest is silently furious over the grade I obtained.

Whatever.

The fact remained that, that grade shall be forever found in my TOR. Wearing purple on Mondays must be a darn lucky color.

:-)

Their brows isn't like mine

Maybe I should try trimming my brows, too. hahaha. U.S. troops are trending this "stuff", so I might as well encourage the rebellious side of my self to make an attempt of "plucking" my brows. haha.

U.S. Troops in Afghanistan trend it this way.

I miss my DSPC Days back in high school. :-(

Maybe my love will come back someday. Siya lang nakakaalam.

I wish to receive a Christmas card. I long to get one. Would you care?

The Ashes Effect

Rating:
Category:	Other

I haven’t had the foggiest idea that he will become one of my favorite authors.

Frank McCourt wrote the Pulitzer Prize winning Angela’s Ashes which was published on 1997 at the age of 66. When I read it, [that was 2010 already and was by that time dead], I was amazed and moved by his novel. Reason why I liked his writings was because they were memoirs from his past which I can share mine as almost alike to that of his. His father, his mother, his siblings (though none of my siblings have died yet), his family, his past – all those were almost related to mine.

When I’m rereading his novels, I still felt like I’m reading it for the first time. The tearjerking lines that drove me from silent sobs to soft whimpers had never left me a lame instead able and hopeful heart.

Once I’m reading, I put myself at the scene as if I am literally present when the events happened that’s why I could feel the emotions in each situation he presented. McCourt was able to portray a life far different from that of the upper class men. He showed by his words how ordinary people strove hard to bring themselves on the surface and hold on in spite of the squalid, poverty-wracked life. The childhood he had was according to him, a miserable childhood. To him, happy childhood is hardly worth your while.

I have learned so much from him – on the importance of family ties, hard work, perseverance, self-confidence and most of all, the attitude of being hopeful.

Reminiscing the past, he said, “People everywhere brag and whimper about the woes of their early years, but nothing can compare with the Irish version: the poverty; the shiftless loquacious father; the pious defeated mother moaning by the fire; pompous priests; bullying school masters; the English and the terrible things they did to us for eight hundred long years.” Thank God, he survived it until his golden 78 years.

I have suffered my own life’s retribution because of some filthy actions and I’m thankful it wasn’t as worse as his. But he will stay as a person who inspired me most next to the God I served.

He says, “You have to study and learn so that you can make up your own mind about history and everything else but you can’t make up an empty mind. Stock your mind, stock your mind. You might be poor, your shoes might be broken, but your mind is a palace.”

Through him, I’m seeing the blessing behind poverty. His works were Angela’s Ashes followed by ‘Tis [which was the last chapter’s word of the former] and last one was The Teacher Man which chronicles his life as a teacher in the New York, USA.

Bad Teacher

Rating:	★★
Category:	Movies
Genre:	Education

If you want to be a good teacher, don’t take drugs.
The movie has allowed me to foresee the events inside the classroom if the teacher is under the influence or is taking drugs.
Elizabeth (Cameroon Diaz) is a foul-mouthed, ruthless, and inappropriate teacher. Why not! Because instead of teaching her students good manners and valuable lessons, she taught them nothing but pervertible instructions and film marathons instead of discussions. She had her shots of that-liquid-thing-in-the-bottle-called-drugs, got high and always anticipated the coming of the day’s end to have her way out of the school.
There are no bad students, just bad teachers. Henry Adams also puts that teachers affect eternity; no one can tell when his/her influence stops. If a teacher will teach his/her students which are not supposed to be taught but rather learn it in their own way, the child will remember it. Even, doing nothing is also jeopardizing learning and experience. Whatever happens to a student’s life, regardless of the family, it’s always a teacher factor.
Teachers should live on the teaching mantra “Live to teach” not on the other “Teach to live.” Money will come in its own way without us noticing it. Teaching and money are two different ideas. Money will change but teaching CAN change. There is no denying that we employed ourselves to a job because we want to earn, but in teaching, it’s perpetually opposite. Teachers who teach to earn do not aim to affect lives and make teaching noble. Instead, they make it stinky and slightly off kilter. Elizabeth has just do this, not until she realized what she did and that’s why she’s promoted to a higher rank – Guidance Counselor.
Back to teaching and earning, no teacher has ever made it to history as first millionaire or even made it to a first class status in the society. Teachers are famous of “London” – Loan Dito, Loan Doon. That is why, teachers suffer much on money problems rather than school stuffs. On the case of Elizabeth as a teacher, she had her own way of dealing money matters. Though she worked hard for it but it seemed she placed herself in peril by stealing stuffs, lying, sabotaging and couples of blackmailing just to get what she wanted – a bust operation.
There is nothing bad with working hard, but in teaching, it’s not about mere working hard, instead putting a heart in each lesson, dedicating your whole being in order your learners will get something from you that they could live on it. The realities in teaching do not just settle on the four corners of the classroom and of the inputs you have placed on each learner’s head, rather, it is on what you have taught to them on how are they going to face life’s cruelties, prepare them from the inevitable demands of the world and arm them with the weapons of knowledge they gleaned from your teaching.
Though we can also learn something from bad teachers, we will still land on the negative side of teaching.
Teachers are supposed to be good vibes. When all else are negative, whatever the circumstances may be, a teacher shall maintain optimism and shall marry both two sets of pairs: life and lessons, and students and learning.
A teacher should leave no stones unturned; rather, move them with glee and compassion. When Elizabeth had realized [at the ending part of the story] what it takes to live with purpose and teach with passion, I bet she rightfully deserved the school’s counselor’s office. That goes without saying she has morphed from a bad teacher to an at-least-no-so-good-yet-no-so-bad guidance counselor.
In teaching, drugs are still needed – the patience, passion and prudence drugs – necessary for effecting and valuable teaching and learning process.

MindSet

http://merdolines.livejournal.com/
My Livejournal page. I mumble whatever I like to mutter.

The HUB | Facebook

http://www.facebook.com/thehubssct
Official Facebook Page of the Official Student Publication of Surigao State College of Technology Surigao City--The HUB

"Shoot me! There is no greater glory than to die for love." ~Florentino Ariza in Marquez' Love in the Time of Cholera

The reason why I watched The Way Back because of the true story it tells--the terror in communism, the optimism of the people to bring democracy back, stories behind political prisoners, the cruelties of the armies and the government, the oppressed people, and of course, survival and the love for freedom--all packed in one movie which was inspired from Slavomir Rawicz "The Long Walk". What a tear-jerking and rousing film. A must-watch to those who thought of having no other way to pass through the "Kremlin" of life.

"Girls never marry the men they flirt with." ~Oscar Wilde

"The truth is rarely pure and simple."

Mabuti ka pa, napapaisip mo'ko. Ngunit yung mga subjects at requirements ko, hindi.

The Importance of Being Earnest. Yes! Wilde is in my hands with my two eyes in it! Reading time...

Almost everything--all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure--these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. ~Steve Jobs

Kung sino pang minamahal, siya pa ang ayaw sa'yo.

Sige, Akin Ka Na Lang. Bahala Na ang Puso'y Magdusa. Bahala Na.

[Wanna Lose] My Religion

Religion -- it has brought me countless restrictions and limitations.

I am an inborn Oneness Pentecostal member lass. My grandfather is a church pastor in our organization. Since I was born, [to count my childhood years]  I've stayed longer with my grandies than of my parents. My family chose to settle in the city because of the unavailability of work in the barrio. They had me left to my grandparents until the age of five. If I am in the sentiment of missing their presence, I'll need to cross the seas for four hours, then go back to the islands again.

I've had my elementary years in the barrio. I grew up in my mother's parents' house. That house is part parsonage and part a church. Everyday, I have to wake up early to sweep the floor, apply wax and then scrub it. Then clean the front yard ('cause the back of the house is already a part of the shore so I need not sweep it clean 'cause the ebb and tide of the water do me a favor of cleaning it), water the orchids, bougainvilleas, and santans. After that, I'll go bring the water containers and walk my way for a hundred meters away from our house to the well to fetch water. That's how my barrio life went everyday on weekdays.

On weekends, I'll gather all our used garments in a sack and walk two kilometers [with the sack on my full of laundry carried on my head] to our farm where I will do the laundry. There, the water flows abundantly and I need no clothes hangers or lines 'cause the grasses and rocks are everywhere. After the laundry, I enjoy myself bathing under the bright sun on the brook.

I don't bring shampoos then. I was 12 when my hair was on my waistline. It's wavy and black. To shampoo my hair, I would wash it with "samuyao" (citrus hystrix) [which is now used in Manzanilla-making] and coco milk. Grandma said, after drying my hair, I should not stay long under the sun 'cause it might as well bring me nits and lice.

Because of my religion [and of my grandfather as well], I didn't able to have very close friends. Most often than not, I stay home and seldom mingle with people even to my relatives. That's why my older relatives would say, I'm only part of the clan who never goes out with them.

My reason for not going out and rather stay shut at home is, they would pester me questions on why do I have a long hair, why am I not cutting or trimming it, when will I start wearing pants and forget about my skirts and so on. Endless questions which I avoid seemingly.

Because of my religious beliefs, I haven't able to build close ties with my classmates and cousins. I have realized it just recently that I'm becoming indifferent to them. Little did I know that to survive in this world, I need to have a company: a group of people who can be with me though not for all times. It's all because of my hair and my skirts.

During social affairs, I am sometimes requested to attend to host it or just asked by friends to join them in their soiree. And most often, I decline their offers and requests. It falls again to my religious beliefs. Dances are not allowed. It also goes with others: no wearing of jewelries, makeups, backless and sleeveless dress, should not wear pants, should not pluck my eye brows.

That's for the physical appearance. On the other hand, this religion also restricted me from eating the favorite-of-most-of-the-Filipino-people: "dinuguan". But that's okay 'cause I don't like it too, even at the sight of it.

Sometimes, I thought of violating all those above mentioned restrictions. But my conscience bit me each time an idea of in plug in my mind.

So far, I haven't have much problem with it. Maybe after I'll graduate, the "restrictions" problems will arrive. I just have to enjoy today while I still don't have tricky troubles with it.

What's sumptuous and tasty; what's conventional and comfortable: is strictly prohibited.

Reality Check

~ People who criticize a lot are insecure.

~ People who complain a lot seldom make actions.

~ People who insult a lot are commonly ugly.

~ People who flirt a lot lack love and attention.

~ People who gossip a lot never had true friends.

ON THE OTHER HAND,

~ People who are successful are usually those who were once weak and poor.

~ People who achieve a lot got many inspirations.

~ People who stick to one lover experienced true love.


-----
<3

Pa'no manligaw si Bruno Mars

Girl: Bakit mo ko mahal?
Bruno: 'cause you're amazing JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.
Girl: Talaga?
Bruno: I think I wan'na  MARRY YOU.
Girl: Sige, gaano mo ko kamahal?
Bruno: I would catch a GRENADE for yah!
(may naghagis sa kanila ng 20 bomba, nasugatan)
Girl: 'kala ko ba sasalo ka ng granada para sa akin?
Bruno: Today I don't feel like doing anything...


:-)

Gugmang Gi-atay

-------------------
 Intro: G-Em-C-D
 -------------------
 G         D 
kung ikaw nasayod
 G         D 
paminawon mo
 Em                C 
kay kon pananglit yam-iran mo
 Em          D 
mga panumpa og pasalig ko 
-------------------
 G       
og kon ugaling
 C 
kalit kang mobiya
 Em 
di’ ko kapugngan
 D 
motu ang mga luha
 -------------------
 C                D 
kay ikaw akong himaya
 G 
handumon ko matag karon
 Em 
og unya
 C                    D 
ikaw akong langit og yuta
 G 
akong pinangga
 Em       C--D 
…ha…oh la… 
-------------------
 Em                 C 
unya mihabol ang kangitngit
 Em               C 
nga dinuyugan sa ulan
 Em               C 
og sa kalit lang nahanaw
 Em              D 
ang bidlisiw sa adlaw
 -------------------
 G                  D 
oh…kahayag sa imong panagway
 Em                     D 
nga naulipon sa gugmang giatay
 G                D 
inday paminawa kabos kong gugma
 Em            D 
nga kanimo akong igasa
 -------------------
 C            D 
dili ko man mahatag ang tanang bahandi
 G           Em          C 
ning kalibotan, apan inday
 D            Em 
dungga intawon king’ naalaot
 D                  G     Em-C-D-G~ 
nga naulipon sa gugmang giatay, ohh…
 -------------------

The Prayer

I'm too religious -- four years ago.

Those were the years that you're just a fading image on the moon.

Every night before hitting the sack, I'll pray to my God,
That someday I'll find the man I'll love for the rest of my life--
That man in my nightmares who came to rescue me
when troubles come;
whose face I have never seen
'cause, Lord, he was just part of my dream.

Now, I'm less spiritually-inclined.

Four hard years had passed
and I still dream of that faceless man.
And all the same, I never cease to pray for him.
That one day while walking on this unpaved earth,
I'll meet him, somewhere on the street.

And man! My God is so true to me.
I met him sometime in my journey and I'm glad.
Words can't fathom the joy in my heart.
He was and he is, the man I truly wish.
But God, the 64-dollar worth question is:
"Would he be mine?"

Back in my old self,
I'm here again: both hands clasp,
eyes closed, sincerely prays
that almost same prayer back to the good old days--
"Lord, thy will be done.
I have prayed for him quite a long time
and now, I have met him along the way.
I came to know him, introduced my self,
stalked him in ways not too obvious,
and texted him whenever I could.
But that wasn't enough [according to my heart].
Can I have my wish granted?
Thank you, Lord. Amen"

-----
Merdolyn
10/10/11

As I look into your face, heavens, I feel I gon'na chuck my fits out! :)

The Coward

Mulat na ako. Noon pa. Noon pa bago kita nakilala. Noon pa. Di pa ako naging kasamahan ng mga manunulat. Simpleng mag-aaral lang na walang ibang iniisip kundi ang sarili kong mundo na puno ng salita, imahe, kalituhan at mga pagnanasa na sana maging bahagi ako ng lipunan sa kanilang mga pinaglalaban. Ngunit nalaman ko kamakailan lang, komplikado pala ang mga ninais kong gawin sa buhay.

Nasa harapan ko na yun noon. Di ko sinunggaban ang oportunidad na inilalahad sa akin. Bakit? Dahil sa takot. Oo, naiintindihan ko ang nais nila. Nakuha ko ang ibig nilang iparating at kanilang mga pinaglalaban. Pero mas malaki at malawak ang naangking bahagi ng puso ko ni Takot. Sinupil niya ang kakayahan kong lumaban at maging lider. At ang kakayahan ko ring maging matapang na mamamahayag.

Idinagdag pa ang estado ko sa buhay. Ang kahirapan na siyang nagpatindi ng aking mga pag-aalinlangan.

Sa katunayan, pinalaki akong may takot sa Diyos. Sa Diyos na hindi nakikita ngunit nararamdaman. Sa Diyos na hindi mo makikita ngunit tinatanaw ka. At iyon ang dahilan kung bakit di ko kayang sumunod; di ko kayang maging matapang o kaya'y magtatapang-tapangan man lang. Nilamon na ng pagkasindak at kilabot ang puso ko't kaluluwa. Bakit uli? Dahil sa mga balita sa radyo at telebisyon at sa mga imprinta sa mga dyaryo. Pinanghinaan ako ng loob sa mga naririnig ko at nakita -- sa mga aktibista at mga taong may malasakit sa kapwa at bayan na lumalaban, nasasaktan at ang iba ay biglang nawawala at pinatay; na kung saan ang tanging nais lamang ay katarungan, pagkakapantay-pantay, karapatan, kalayaan, katapusan ng bangayan at marami pang iba na nakakapanghilakbot sa puso at diwa para sa taong tulad ko na nasanay  sa katahimikan doon sa kaparangan.

Mahirap pa sa kahirapan ang aking nararamdaman ng ako'y kanyang nilapitan at kinausap. Katulad ko, dati siyang namuhay ng payak hanggang sa tinugo niya ang tawag ng mga inapi at inabuso. Tama rin naman si Kuya sa mga idelohiya niya. May punto rin. At oo, pinsang buo ko siya. Ngunit di ko pa kayang maging tulad niya. Ayaw pa ng apog ko.

Pero, naisip ko rin, kelan kaya ako magkakaroon ng lakas ng loob na tulad ng sa kanya upang kahit man lang ay makatulong ako sa kapwa kong naapi at pinahihirapan. nakita ng mga mata ko ang katotohanan ngunit pilit kong ibinaling ito sa kawalan at nag-astang wala akong nakita at kung meron man, isa lang iyong malagim na bangungungot na mawawala rin kung ako'y gising na. Ngunit napakalagim nito na lagi akong hinahabol. Gusto ko ng magpatianod ngunit kinagat ako ng aking konsensya. Nasaan na daw ang pagiging Kristiyano ko? Handa ba raw ako sa kahihinatnan ng mga desisyon ko? Natulala ako ng ilang sandali at naalala ang nasabi ng aming pastor ng minsa'y kami'y nagkausap: Panindigan mo ang mga gagawin mong desisyon. At kung gagawa ka ng pasya, isipin mo ang mga taong nasa paligid mo na nagmamahal sa yo at umaasa sayo bilang tanging taong mag-aalis sa kanila sa kumunoy na kanilang kinalalagyan. Gusto ko na sanang sumagot no'n ng "Bakit, superhero ba nila ako?" ngunit tinikom ko ang aking bibig.

Ngayon ko rin lang naisip; mahirap magpakatao. Tao ako ngunit kailangani ko pang isipin ang iisipin ang iba, ang kinabukasan nila, ang buhay nila, ang lahat-lahat. Napagtanto ko [dahil babae daw ako] sa pamamagitan ng kanilang mga pag-aalala at pagmamahal. May mali dun, eh. At yun ang nais kung itama. Kaso, mahina ang loob ko. Akala lang nila yun na kaya kung humarap sa mga paghihirap sa lahat ng pagkakataon. Muli, mali sila.

Nahihirapan din ako sa kasalukuyan sa pagtukoy kung ano talaga ang aking ipaglalaban. Ang kababaihan ba o ang kabataan. Ang kalikasan ba o ang mga mamamayan. Gayunpaman, malalaman ko rin yun, sa takdang panahon.

Umaasa na lang ako na sana babalik na ang naglalagalag kong tapang at magkakalakas-loob na akong sundin ang puso ko. Nakakapanira ng adhikain kasi ang utak minsan.

Matagal na akong namulat. Hindi ako tanga; nagmamaang-maangan lang. Sana magkakatibay ng loob na ako at sana, may susuporta kung darating man yun. Hindi pa rin mawawala ang katotohanang babae ao at hindi ako superhero.

Sa pagbabalik ng naglalakbay kong tapang, umaasa ako na tama aking magiging pasya.

-----
Merdolyn
Oct. 08'11

Ang manunulat ay hindi makalat.

A student’s non-materialist value system makes him choose education as a course even if it offers less money, less prestige and fewer possibilities for advancement than another major profession.

Push through in life, though you are pulled by the crabs below you.

Will publish my "about-mining-article" here [which was supposed to be printed on the campus paper but I'm afraid the editors will not accept it] sooner than I think I can. It was written before the tragic NPA raid at Taganito Mining Company happened.

The Black Sheep

BY Italo Calvino

There was a country where they were all thieves.

At night everybody would leave home with skeleton keys and shaded lanterns and go and burgle a neighbour’s house. They’d get back at dawn, loaded, to find their own house had been robbed.

So everybody lived happily together, nobody lost out, since each stole from the other, and that other from another again, and so on and on until you got to a last person who stole from the first.  Trade in the country inevitably involved cheating on the parts both of the buyer and the seller.  The government was a criminal organization that stole from its subjects, and the subjects for their part were only interested in defrauding the government. Thus life went on smoothly, nobody was rich and nobody was poor.

One day, how we don’t know, it so happened that an honest man came to live in the place.  At night, instead of going out with his sack and his lantern, he stayed home to smoke and read novels.

The thieves came, saw the light on and didn’t go in.

This went on for a while: then they were obliged to explain to him that even if he wanted to live without doing anything, it was no reason to stop others from doing things.  Every night he spent at home meant a family would have nothing to eat the following day.

The honest man could hardly object to such reasoning.  He took to going out in the evening and coming back the following morning like they did, but he didn’t steal.  He was honest, there was nothing you could do about it.  He went as far as the bridge and watched the water flow by beneath.  When he got home he found he had been robbed. 

In less than a week the honest man found himself penniless, he had nothing to eat and his house was empty.  But this was hardly a problem, since it was his own fault; no, the problem was that his behaviour upset everything else.  Because he let the others steal everything he had without stealing anything from anybody; so there was always someone who came home at dawn to find their house untouched: the house he should have robbed.  In any event after a while the ones who weren’t being robbed found themselves richer than the others and didn’t want to steal any more.  To make matters worse, the ones who came to steal from the honest man’s house found it was always empty; so they became poor.

Meanwhile, the ones who had become rich got into the honest man’s habit of going to the bridge at night to watch the water flow by beneath.  This increased the confusion because it meant lots of others became rich and lots of others became poor.

Now, the rich people saw that if they went to the bridge every night they’d soon be poor.  And they thought: ‘Let’s pay some of the poor to go and rob for us.’  They made contracts, fixed salaries, percentages: they were still thieves of course, and they still tried to swindle each other.  But, as tends to happen, the rich got richer and the poor got poorer and poorer.

Some of the rich people got so rich that they didn’t need to steal or have others steal for them so as to stay rich.  But if they stopped stealing they would get poor because the poor stole from them.  So they paid the very poorest of the poor to defend their property from the other poor, and that meant setting up a police force and building prisons.

So it was that only a few years after the appearance of the honest man, people no longer spoke of robbing and being robbed, but only of the rich and the poor; but they were still all thieves.

The only honest man had been the one at the beginning, and he died in very short order, of hunger.



[This story is a picture of how the "buwayas" started their lifestyle which until now, they still do and will always be if they'll not realize how the honest man strove to remain honest and died with glory for his name being steadfast to his good virtue--honesty. To "buwayas", this line will never be found in their line of vision: Honesty is the best policy. Adieu!]

This is why I hate mining: It ruins my image of Eden and drives away my fantasies.

Outwitted

by Edwin Markham

He drew a circle that shut me out--
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But Love and I had wit to win:
We drew a circle that took him in.



*one of my favorite short yet meaningful poem

I'll blog my loneliness and sadness. Got no one to talk. At least, online, someone will read me.